Crash Into Me

When you grow up you are told by your parents, siblings, friends, grandparents – relatives in general, “I love you”. And you respond. While you are young, very young I feel you respond out of obligation. Not understanding that the purest of emotion you are feeling at that tiny age in your tiny heart is really love. And you aren’t responding out of obligation but because you know.

Then you get older. Much older. And that pure form of emotion, that obligation, that knowing, it gets mixed up with hormones, other emotions and life. You say it less. You say it nonchalantly. You just say it to yourself. Three little complex words. Life changing, life altering, meaningful words.

i_love_you

When I met Brent I like to say that I knew right then, right at the moment we met eyes we were in love. But c’mon let’s all be realists – he could have been a serial killer and I could have easily been an obsessive teenager. After spending day after day with him, I knew that I loved him. I wanted to say it. Immediately. He told me not to, I wouldn’t be able to take it back, he wouldn’t be able to walk way. We were young. We didn’t know the rules. We didn’t care about the rules. I said it anyway. I love you.

The more I’ve thought about this, my love for him, the more I wanted to define it. To him. So that he knew. So the he knows. Cliches are cliches because they work but I didn’t want to write a poem about red roses and put it with a box of chocolate. I wanted him to grasp the feeling that I had.

Brent simply put crashed into me back then. Like a mack truck going 200 miles per hour and I just stood there. He crashed hard right into me. Severing my head from the rest of my body and my heart lay open. Wide open. Exposed. Bleeding. All for him. That’s what I felt when I first met Brent. Not the obligation, not the mixed up crazy emotions and feelings of a teenager. No. Like a patient lying on an operating table fighting for their life while the surgeon sews the nicks and cuts. It was pathetic, miserable, painful – yet beautiful. So beautiful.

Now what I know now it’s different. It’s not the crashing into me. It’s not an obligation. Not a word I say sans emotion. It’s a deep deep feeling that I want him to know is real.

When he’s gone it’s like the incredible hulk punched me in the gut.

When he’s here I can’t let go. I can’t close my eyes. I can’t be away.

When I’m sad and I need something I need him.

When I’m happy and he’s not around it’s lonely. A dark cold lonely. There’s nobody else worth sharing my own happiness with.

When all is right. When life is going my way that day and he’s sitting on the couch with me, it’s like flying. It’s like flying but knowing that you won’t fall. It’s a cool breeze, the warm sun, the ocean beneath you, but you hanging onto something. It’s like flying but being held by strings, even if they are worn and tethered. Because you know that even if they are the smallest of threads, you have someone to catch you. Something safe. It’s amazing. Powerful.

The love I have for him, it’s strange. It’s real. It’s predictable. I know that when all the faith is gone, when the strength is thinning, when the joy is darkening – he’s there. He’s the one to make it right.

When life goes pear shaped, with Brent, it doesn’t take long to make a perfect circle.

Being in love with Brent is like crashing into something, like jumping into an ice cold lake, like cuddling under a blanket next to a fire in a winter storm. My love for Brent is excruciating pain, laughing until you pee your pants, a Sunday afternoon drive on the coast.

It’s real. It’s work. It’s fun.

So even though, almost eleven years ago it was a crashing sensation. New. Exciting. It’s love. A forgiving and understanding love. A love I wish I could only really explain.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.
Sophocles (496 BC – 406 BC)

Comments

  1. How wonderful…so beautifully said! I feel the same way and we have been married 38 years this coming August! :-}
    .-= The Retired One´s last blog ..Canyon Falls in the Winter: Part 4: Last in the Series (I promise!) =-.

  2. ((sniff) well said, girly!

    isn’t it amazing when “you” know the real thing 🙂
    .-= Faythe´s last blog ..Are you wearing green??? and other symbols =-.

  3. Doreen R says:

    Ahhh! What a most beautiful post.

  4. Natalie R. says:

    It’s so refreshing to hear someone who is truely happy with where they are 🙂 It’s tiresome to hear of people complaining of their relationships all the time… thank you for this post – it made me happy 🙂

  5. Tamara B. says:

    It is nice to hear of someone who is truly in love these days! Your husband is the luckiest man alive to have a woman love him like that 🙂